Mini-Rant – 3 - It's Like a Bad Car Accident, You Just Gotta Look

John Buccigross is a moron. This is a certifiable fact. After speaking at length to my friend over at Hockey Blog in Canada, Teebz, we’ve decided to take two different approaches to Bucci’s weekly articles at ESPN.com. He has gone the way of never reading anything by him again, and I have chosen to suffer through them just to illustrate to you why exactly he is a gigantic tool. In looking through his Mailbag from this week (on December 6) titled “Some advice for Ducks, Leafs, jersey buyers ... and drummer lovers,” there are some points I’d like to...discuss.

1) Josh from New York asks about what the thoughts are on re-sizing goaltender equipment, which he would have already known had he read any of the numerous opinions on that subject. He thought Bucci had the ultimate answer??? Whatever, here's the response.

I just think it's going to be hard to go backward in terms of protection, and my argument for net size is also based on the size of the goalie himself. Remember how big Phil Esposito looked on those big, bad Bruins teams? He was like 6-foot-1 and 205 pounds. Ilya Kovalchuk is 6-2 and 235. Roberto Luongo is 6-3 and 175. Twenty years from now, we will have a 6-4, 250-pound player as fast as Kovalchuk and a 6-6, 220-pound goalie who is bigger and faster than Luongo. Also, the quality of equipment for the skaters to block shots and the coaching to collapse on the goaltender also contributes to less net to shoot at.

Wait one damn second you ass-hat, can you imagine someone 6’6” trying to squat under the crossbar, not to mention that the goaltender is gaining extra inches from his skates and the padding on his rear? And if you think someone that’s 250 pounds is gonna out perform someone that’s 15 pounds leaner, you’re completely off your rocker. I don’t care that he said “in twenty years,” he’s still an imbecile. Did this guy ever play collegiate or professional sports? Don’t you know that carrying an extra 15 pounds while you’re trying to outwork the guy next to you is not ideal? I mean, why do you think the Oil is trying to get Penner to lose weight? The boy needs to slim down in order to compete with the players that are smaller (thus quicker) than him. 245 pounds is a lot to lug around.

And that’s a pretty shitty last sentence. Why don’t you check out how to put words together to create sentence flow.


2) Lauren from Oregon asks about Manny Legace’s recognition within the NHL. Now her question is legitimate; Legace rocked in one of my fantasy leagues a couple of years ago. But she probably could have asked her dog and gotten a better answer. Within his response are these sentences I have pasted here, which shouldn’t have ever been uttered because they’re so elementary in their logic.

His small-sample playoff record is not good. His save percentage has gone down in the playoffs. It has to go up. You have to get better in the playoffs, not worse; otherwise, you can't be among the NHL's elite.

Way to state the obvious, moron.


3) Most times when people say random things, I find them hilarious because they’re out of left field and catch me off guard. Bucci’s random thoughts just scare me. Philip from Minneapolis asks some questions with the third one being about rookies staying with veterans. This is Bucci’s response to that question.

Joe Thornton did the same thing when he was a rookie in Boston. Top-level hockey players are used to the "billet" family arrangement. It saves the young player from worrying about some issues he would have to take care of on his own as they try to play in the greatest hockey league in the world. Can you imagine making about $50,000 a paycheck at age 18 and living on your own in Chicago? Good gosh, I'd end up naked on a sail boat in Lake Michigan with a stack of pancakes, a harmonica and a 1989 Mad Magazine.

I honestly feel violated.