Consistently Inconsistent; Kings 3, Columbus 4

So maybe Crawford shouldn't give the players a day off from practice after a huge blowout. It failed to produce a win tonight and it failed earlier in the season. I'm going with a uber short recap since I took in the game with a friend I haven't seen in about 6 months; we'll call her AG.

Good points from the night:
- AG is now a Kings fan!!!
- Sully is still my Sophomore Stud with a sweet goal from mid-air.
- Good times with KingsCast.

Bad points from the night:
- The lack of energy from the Kings in the first and second period.
- The Blue Jackets complete dominance of the neutral zone. I don't even want to know how any giveaways we had.

Game recap


RANT:

When you are up on the jumbotron, it is NOT OK to:

1) Make like you're flashing the audience and convulsing like you're on speed
2) Pull the top of your shirt down and grab your boobs
3) Put your hands up in the air and have your shirt not long enough to cover your flabby belly.

That's right, you 3 stupid sluts at the end of the game. This is a fucking family function. Have a little respect for the thousands of people in attendance because you most certainly don't have any for yourself.

I'm done.

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Mini-Rant – 4 - And Updates

This will be some updates on the Kings and a rant or two. I think I'll start with the rants first. Here we go.

1) Who is the first person up on my Mini-Rant? I'll give you one guess; his name starts with an “A” and ends with “very.” I was reading this article on NHL.com minding my own business and I get to the bottom of the page and what do I see? This terrible picture with an equally terrible quote.

(Courtesy of NHL.com )

Just call me Mr. DBag

This picture makes me want to knock him over bully-style. He is Milhouse and I'm a cuter/smarter Nelson. Not only is the picture atrocious, it makes me wonder if those are real prescription glasses or if they’re the original plastic lenses and he’s just putting up a front. “Hey, look at me guys! I look smart! I also pee sitting down!”

Sean does this to himself; he should know that wearing this type of frame is going to produce ridicule from yours truly. I literally can’t stop laughing at this picture. At the same time, I feel disgusted that his frames look suspiciously like mine. Although I should feel okay about this since my frames don’t make me look like a wacky hipster. In any case, they make me want to punch him in the face even more.

On to the quote: Around the Atlantic -- Outspoken Rangers forward Sean Avery came up with one of the best one-liners of the season when he was asked if he would take a reconditioning assignment when he returns from a wrist injury, saying; “You have a better chance of seeing God.”

BAG OF DOUCHE

2) So apparently the Stanley Cup is going to be riding on a float at the 2008 Pasadena Tournament of Roses Parade. Do I want to wake up ass early and watch this? I think not; I've had enough of Pronger's gap-toothed mug. Instead, I think I'll be sleeping in, watching the Winter Classic, and then heading to the Staples Center to see my Kings take on the Blackhawks. Toews, Kane, and Havlat (if healthy) are going to be the ones I'll be looking for.

3) Hey Teebz! Did you notice that Bucci doesn't have a mail-bag this week? Damn...maybe next week. Perhaps your email caused him to crawl into bed with a gallon of ice cream and not want to touch his computer.

Follow up: So Bucci decided to get his mailbag out today instead of yesterday (someone f-ed up in the web department) and once again, it sucked major ass. Not only does this DBag NOT answer questions, he spouts off random crap in hopes that the reader won't notice that he made absolutely no attempt at even feigning an answer!! Why is this guy even allowed to have a mailbag? Every week it's riddled with grammatical errors and is terribly written. Am I being too hard on him? Well, gee, I thought if you were getting paid to write, you'd at least have the writing skills of someone in middle school. I'll just put ONE of his many stupid responses here:

Hi John,
My wife and I are expecting our first child in 2008 and I'm looking for ideas for a good hockey name. So far, I've come up with "Teppo Newman" if it's a boy, but I'm open to your suggestions.
Matt Newman
Newcastle, Maine

Willie Travis Newman.
Hockey fact: Henri Richard has won the most Stanley Cups as a player (11).

Ok, naming your kid "Willie?" Are we in 1893? And what does Henri Richard have to do with Mr. Newman's question? Am I the only reader that sees Bucci as asinine?

4) I found this picture on Ken Henderson's blog of artwork. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

Updates:

1) As of 12.14.07, the Kings currently sit tied for last in the NHL. The Kings (12-18-2), Caps (12-17-2), and the Yotes (13-16-0) all have 26 points a piece, but in the last 10 games the Yotes have gone 4-6-0, Caps have gone 6-3-1, and the Kings have registered 3-6-1. Hmm, this does not sound that good. Can you tell me what the F they have to do to get two wins in a row?

2) On a MUCH HIGHER note, the Kings currently have 3 prospects who have been selected to Team Canada for the 2008 IIHF World Junior Championship tournament. They are goalie Jonathan Bernier, defenseman Thomas Hickey, and forward Wayne Simmonds.

Also, prospect Oscar Moller will be playing for Team Sweden. (They probably couldn't have taken a more adorable picture. He looks so happy!)

3) Not only is Jonathan Bernier the next hottest thing in net (move over Ricky Di), but he's also awesome.

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Mini-Rant – 3 - It's Like a Bad Car Accident, You Just Gotta Look

John Buccigross is a moron. This is a certifiable fact. After speaking at length to my friend over at Hockey Blog in Canada, Teebz, we’ve decided to take two different approaches to Bucci’s weekly articles at ESPN.com. He has gone the way of never reading anything by him again, and I have chosen to suffer through them just to illustrate to you why exactly he is a gigantic tool. In looking through his Mailbag from this week (on December 6) titled “Some advice for Ducks, Leafs, jersey buyers ... and drummer lovers,” there are some points I’d like to...discuss.

1) Josh from New York asks about what the thoughts are on re-sizing goaltender equipment, which he would have already known had he read any of the numerous opinions on that subject. He thought Bucci had the ultimate answer??? Whatever, here's the response.

I just think it's going to be hard to go backward in terms of protection, and my argument for net size is also based on the size of the goalie himself. Remember how big Phil Esposito looked on those big, bad Bruins teams? He was like 6-foot-1 and 205 pounds. Ilya Kovalchuk is 6-2 and 235. Roberto Luongo is 6-3 and 175. Twenty years from now, we will have a 6-4, 250-pound player as fast as Kovalchuk and a 6-6, 220-pound goalie who is bigger and faster than Luongo. Also, the quality of equipment for the skaters to block shots and the coaching to collapse on the goaltender also contributes to less net to shoot at.

Wait one damn second you ass-hat, can you imagine someone 6’6” trying to squat under the crossbar, not to mention that the goaltender is gaining extra inches from his skates and the padding on his rear? And if you think someone that’s 250 pounds is gonna out perform someone that’s 15 pounds leaner, you’re completely off your rocker. I don’t care that he said “in twenty years,” he’s still an imbecile. Did this guy ever play collegiate or professional sports? Don’t you know that carrying an extra 15 pounds while you’re trying to outwork the guy next to you is not ideal? I mean, why do you think the Oil is trying to get Penner to lose weight? The boy needs to slim down in order to compete with the players that are smaller (thus quicker) than him. 245 pounds is a lot to lug around.

And that’s a pretty shitty last sentence. Why don’t you check out how to put words together to create sentence flow.


2) Lauren from Oregon asks about Manny Legace’s recognition within the NHL. Now her question is legitimate; Legace rocked in one of my fantasy leagues a couple of years ago. But she probably could have asked her dog and gotten a better answer. Within his response are these sentences I have pasted here, which shouldn’t have ever been uttered because they’re so elementary in their logic.

His small-sample playoff record is not good. His save percentage has gone down in the playoffs. It has to go up. You have to get better in the playoffs, not worse; otherwise, you can't be among the NHL's elite.

Way to state the obvious, moron.


3) Most times when people say random things, I find them hilarious because they’re out of left field and catch me off guard. Bucci’s random thoughts just scare me. Philip from Minneapolis asks some questions with the third one being about rookies staying with veterans. This is Bucci’s response to that question.

Joe Thornton did the same thing when he was a rookie in Boston. Top-level hockey players are used to the "billet" family arrangement. It saves the young player from worrying about some issues he would have to take care of on his own as they try to play in the greatest hockey league in the world. Can you imagine making about $50,000 a paycheck at age 18 and living on your own in Chicago? Good gosh, I'd end up naked on a sail boat in Lake Michigan with a stack of pancakes, a harmonica and a 1989 Mad Magazine.

I honestly feel violated.

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Mini-Rant - 2 - HAHAHA

I don't think I've laughed for this long in a while. The cause? Why Sean Avery, of course! Did he get in another fight, you ask? Oh no, nothing of the sort...well, at least from what I know. Who knows what the man does away from the rink. But reading Finny's post over at Girl With a Puck about People Magazine almost made me vomit in my mouth...but laugh at the same time.

Apparently People Magazine decided that Sean Avery was one of the 100 Sexiest Men Alive for 2007. Yes, let's all just let that sink in for a bit. Go ahead and click on the link to watch the clip of him actually speaking in full sentences. It's amazing. Amazingly horrific! I would MUCH rather have watched Hank Zetterburg or Ricky DiPietro or Daniel Briere or Martin Havlat or Jason Spezza or Sheldon Souray or Sid the Kid or that guy who rubs baby oil on himself every night, Vinny something? You get the picture? I mean, I'd even take The Dominator, at least that guy has some street cred.

This question they asked him, "How did you get that scar?" Ok, people, it's OBVIOUS where he got the scar. He plays hockey for Christ's sake! Where the hell do you think he got it from, playing with Elisha Cuthbert's Barbie dolls? I think not.

I would REALLY like to know who had the final word in this decision? Was it Gary Bettman??? I'm sorry, Bettman, but the NHL doesn't really need THIS kind of publicity. Can you just stick to fixing the problems that the NHL faces now? THANKS.

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Mini-Rant - 1 - Bucci

I think I'm going to start another post theme entitled "Mini-Rants" to go along with my Hidden Gems I've already got going. I'm not an angry person per se, but there are some things in life that get me rattled at times. Just to let you know, numero uno on that list is bad grammar. Just puttin that out there.

But I digress, it's time for my first "Mini-Rant" on, none other than, John Buccigross. I have a feeling the vast majority of these are going to be on him. I gotta admit, even though I don't like his columns nearly as much as other analysts' columns, he makes me think. Think about things I would like to say to his face; for instance, "your column is not really entertaining nor is it informative." Is that too formal? What about "You annoy me. Can you just stick to hockey??"

And we're off: I read his column last week called "It's my column and my Hall-worthy picks for each NHL team" and decided to touch on a few things. And by touch, I really mean, make comments or just in general bag on Buccigross.

Los Angeles Kings
Anze Kopitar: Like Van Halen after their first album. You just knew.
Rob Blake: Seven All-Star Games, a Norris Trophy, big part of the Avalanche's 2001 Cup run with 19 points in 23 games and a gigantic butt used to crush sternums.

© ČTK/AP

I think one reason I don’t like Bucci is because I’m too young to get his musical jokes/tastes, which have just started to annoy the crap outta me. And I hope Rob Blake’s butt crushes his face.


Minnesota Wild
Marian Gaborik: "Hey, Marian! Multivitamins, acai berries, push-ups, prayers, smash up some carrots and rub them all over your chest. Anything. Stay healthy!" I'm gonna take the long-shot guess that the 25-year-old forward can still put a 10-year stretch together to put up numbers one cannot deny.

© Bruce Kluckhohn

Right when I think Bucci’s semi-redeemed himself with the Blake introspective, he immediately comes with this one for Gaborik. A little disturbing.


Chris Drury: It's my column and my rules. I make them up. He is clutch and, in life, clutch is everything. Move on.

© Bill Wippert/SI

Can someone please tell me why Bucci has this weird uber crush on Drury? And by the way, that team picture of Drury is terrible.


Erik Johnson: I believe Johnson will grade out better than Blake when it is all said and done, and resurfaced and said and done again.

© UPI

What the hell. I think if anyone else had made this comment I'd think, "Hmm, okay, he played with (or was it against) JMFJ. Maybe I'll check in on him occasionally to see if he's Blake caliber." Man, I'm all annoyed at him again while just posting this! I think I'd rather Bucci just never talk about Blake again. Just stop now.

Vincent Lecavalier: True fact -- Vinny was once put in an underwater cage with a giant chunk of tuna floating just outside. He then watched a giant great white shark pummel the tuna just inches from his face. That is just one of 4,584 things Vinny can do that I cannot. The list also includes beating me up and stealing my wife.

© Richard Corman

I whole-heartedly agree with him on his last point. But I think that Vinny can steal anyone’s wife.

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